Learning to Parent A Teen and a Preteen

A few posts back, I wrote about surviving childhood dramas and keeping a cool head. I feel like I’ve been in the thick of it for a few weeks now. Or maybe months. The truth is, I have one teenager and one preteen and it seems some days that there is a whole new learning curve for me.

I’ve always said I wouldn’t relive my middle school years for any amount of money in the world. Whether you’re in public, private or homeschool, it’s just a difficult period of life to navigate. Now that I have my own middle schoolers, I think I feel more sorry for my parents. I’m sure I drove them to near insanity a few times. I, myself, was such a child–prone to mood swings, frequent bouts of melancholy all mixed together with probably not a lot of common sense.

Sorry mom and dad.

But it’s a right of passage for us as parents, right? And I want to do this well. My greatest desire as a parent is to come out on the other side of this with Christ loving kids who really do still like me. I refuse to assume it’s natural for teens and parents to be at odds all the time. I refuse to just accept my kid’s tendencies towards bickering or bad attitudes or dramatic episodes as a regular or natural part of life. (Not that they do those things all the time. They really are good kids…most of the time ;))

I’m NOWHERE near an expert on this stuff. But I”ve been praying and reading (and asking for forgiveness). And here’s what I know right now.

It Takes A Lot Of Grace

Grace and strength from God. Grace extended towards them. Grace from them to me. We all just need a whole heap of it! I’m finding that Paul’s letters in the New Testament are filled with grace and wisdom for how we are to treat one another. And it is especially true in parenting.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. –Ephesians 4:2

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. –Colossians 3:12-14

If you’ve ever read good ol’ Dr. Dobson’s book The Strong Willed Child you know that parents have to distinguish between childish behavior and defiant or disrespectful behavior. (Like the 5 year old who accidentally spills his milk, verses the five year old who throws a toy when he has to share.) I think that was probably a lot easier when my kids were smaller. Because it’s still something I have to do right now.

Sometimes, yes, there are bad or disrespectful attitudes. And I need to discipline those with consistent consequences. But more often than not, I’m finding in these adolescent years a new version of this childish behavior that wants to rear it’s head a little too often.

• It’s the drama
• or the disorganization
• or lack of time management (time? what’s time?)
• or the complete forgetfulness about something I JUST SAID (teens have selective hearing, you know)
• or the friendship angst
• or the social learning curve

I could go on. I’m sure you could too. But you get my point. And sometimes these habits and behaviors and complete lack of focus or self awareness DRIVE ME BATTY.

In these moments, what my kids need is not for me to lose my temper (again) but to patiently instruct them and guide them towards maturity. I may have already said a particular nugget of wisdom a million times before, but nevertheless, I’ve got to keep on guiding them. Until (hopefully) wisdom and common sense prevail against the cloud of teenage confusion swirling in their heads.

But if I’m perfectly honest, I’m not always too good at this. It seems in God’s sense of humor, he has given my kids some of the same quirks that are GIANT pet peeves of mine. So if I don’t watch myself, I can go from calm mom to super irritated and angry mom pretty fast.

And we all know how well that goes.

I’m finding that one of the most important things I can do is keep an atmosphere of forgiveness, confession and grace. I confess to them when I’ve blown it and lost my tempter. When they beat themselves up for something they’ve done, I let them know that we ALL fall sometimes. That I forgive, God forgives and His mercies are new every morning.

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Giving them space when they are having a bad day

Cause we all have bad days, right? And do I want a little space now and then? You bet. So why would I demand that they “cheer up” immediately or “get over” something right away?

The hormones and emotions are swirling, and as long as they aren’t wallowing in self pity or other counter productive thought patterns, I need to respect that sometimes they might be troubled. And they might need a little time. They still need encouragement, wisdom and perspective from me, but they might also need just a little space.

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Don’t forget to play together

I know teens don’t really play like our younger ones do. And quite honestly, after dealing with teenage angst, sometimes the last thing I want to do is sit down and play with them. I want a break!

But it’s SO worth it. Play a game of Scrabble or cards or something on the Wii. It’s not about the game, it’s about time. Positive time spent together. Time not laced with frustration or lectures or heavy sighs of disapproval and frustration. It lets them know that I really do like them. That it’s gonna be okay. That no matter how rough or confusing this world is to them right now, our family will always be a soft place to land.

After a particularly trying day, it never fails to amaze me how a little down time together melts away the tension and brings us back together again.

Cause these big kids are still my babies. And I’m crazy about them.

I’m no expert. So please share your tips for parenting this season of life!

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